Who and Why?

I figured I would take a moment to REALLY introduce myself and the reason behind this blog.

My name is Karen, I currently work as a high school science teacher, before that I was an environmental consultant and a non-profit organizer.  I've had a variety of other jobs as well but those are the major "real" jobs I've had.  Along with my professional life I am also a homeowner (that which takes up most of my time), a pet parent (2 dogs, 3 cats, and some fish...that which takes up almost all the rest), a casual runner, yoga practitioner, knitter, scrapbooker, music listener, and tv watcher.  Many of these activities I do alone or with friends, depending on the day.  So what's my story?

In March 2006 I was sick, so I went to the doctors, natural thing to do, right?  Well, while I was there I got on the scale and clocked in at 289 pounds.  I almost had a mental breakdown then and there.  This was "the moment", the moment that I realized I was too heavy for a 24 year old.  Even a 5'10" 24 year old.  It was that moment that I knew I had to change my life, no one had mentioned my weight to me in a "you're too heavy you're going to die" sort of way, I was only on asthma and allergy meds, my blood pressure was always good and so were my blood numbers (cholesterol and what not), but I knew that I was heading for an early grave, the risk factors were there.  My dad had an early heart attack (he was 40), of course all my life I've attributed that to his heavy smoking, but being almost 300 pounds myself couldn't have put me in good shape, even if I wasn't a smoker.

Looking back, I also noticed a change in myself leading up to that moment.  I've always been one of the fairly confident individuals in my world, being picked on for my weight all my life I adopted the "like me the way I am or screw you" attitude in high school but as the day at the doctor's loomed I realized I was having less and less confident days and more and more crappy, insecure days.  This coupled with the 289 pounds kicked my butt into gear.  For three years I worked to get off the weight, changed a lot of my habits and got down to 210 pounds, primarily through eating better and smaller portions and exercise.

In 2009, my life took an unexpected turn.  I decided to ask my husband of 2 years for a divorce.  Without rehashing all the details here, there were problems, and we were both at fault.  It is better this way, we're both happier, and still friends, but it still took its emotional toll on me.  I started to question myself as a human being, am I good enough?  What is wrong with me?  What did/didn't I do? I also realized that for many reasons I kept myself at a distance from family and friends.  I wouldn't discuss my REAL feelings with people, everything was always "fine".  I have a good group of family and friends but I never relied on the people in my life to help me when I needed it.  For many reasons, I would play my cards close to the vest and that has proven to be damaging in more ways than one.

What does this all mean?  It means that for the past year, I've been floundering, trying to gain my footing again.  And this emotional rollercoaster has derailed my weight-loss.  I've gained about 20 pounds back and have not been able to move forward in my journey and I'm hoping that 2011 brings me back into focus.  No let me rephrase that, 2011 WILL bring me back into focus and help me reach my goals.  This blog will be a tool for that purpose.

I can't wait to be able to share this with you, the ups and the downs.  And if it helps, even a little, I have accomplished a goal.